Christmas Lights - The Lame, The Tacky and The Just Plain Creepy

Last night my family and I drove around our general area to enjoy the local Christmas light displays. This is something that we do every year, at least a couple times, while typically eating some ice cream. Why ice cream and Christmas lights? I don't know, why not?

Most of our time is spent singing made up lyrics to the Christmas songs that are playing on the radio like "Jingle balls, jingle balls, jingle all the way, oh what pain it is to go with them left loose to sway-ay!", and making fun of people stupid inflatable shit.

Since my kids are pretty snarky like me, fun is had by all. Even though my wife doesn't make funny of anyone herself, she does appreciate our humor.

Our favorite display style to make fun of is those which contain more than one inflatable or animatronic. Usually people that have more than one of either have multiples of both, which creates a sort of creepy scifi Christmas at the droid factory / Christmas in the land of misfit toys look.

I know people put this shit in their yard to entertain their kids, but it does spread joy to guys like me as well. The joy of making fun of what a mockery they have turned Christmas into. Just how many semi-inflated snowmen and robotic Rudolfs do you need to get into Heaven anyway Jesus?

Most people put lights in their trees, around their bushes, their front doors, maybe down the drive way like some kind of fucking landing strip (which I totally don't get; probably the same people who as kids drew stick figures). Some folks do blinking lights and icicle lights on the house and eaves, but some people just have no taste.

At all.

Like the ass-wipe that puts five different colors of lights all over his yard then uses net lights on the bushes to get that whole "fish net Christmas" thing and finishes it off with the creepy three candles with the orange flames in the windows. You know the ones that they USED to sell in the 70's, that they must have either kept when their grandmother passed away or bought at a garage sale.

Or the people that run three strands of multi-colored lights around on goddamn straggly ass tree in their yard, in front of their 8,000 square foot three story. Come on douche, like you could afford another box of lights?

But aside from the tacky and creepy there are two displays that I totally want to get out and knock over. The first is the manger scene. I don't care that Christmas is supposed to be about the birth of Jesus. Especially since he wasn't born in December anyway. The manger is creepy. Bunch of fucking bearded dudes with hooks standing around looking at a baby while his mother tries to cover him up and the step father collects the gifts all in a horse stall with hay everywhere and farm animals milling about, probably lamb shit all over the place. Creepy.

The second display that makes me want to get out of the car, knock on the door and ask the douche bag who put it up to take it down is the strand of white lights up a pole with a half-ass star on top. Too religious, not fun, not Christmasy, all it lacks is an inflatable Pope in front of it.

Finally, what is the deal with LED lights? They are so frigging bright that it hurst my eyes and who the hell pays $11 for a strand of 100 lights, when I can get a strand of 100 regular lights for $3? In the words of Charlie Brown, Good Grief! Give that extra Christmas light money to the bell ringer Griswold!

With all due respect,
The Chief

100% Compatibility - Microsofts' Ransom Note

I hate Microsoft. Lets just get that out of the way.
Actually thats not accurate, I hate Windows. I actually really like Office, but Windows regardless of the version is complete shit.

Shut up, yes it is. You know it as well as I do. How many times in the last month have you had to restart your PC because it just locked up? How about in the last week? How many times have you had to get out the restore disc to get that Piece-of-Chit working again?

Ok how many times have you not been able to print to a printer that you just used? How many updates and security patches have you installed? How about the number of times you've tried to shut down or restart for whatever reason and watched the "Windows Is Shutting Down" message on the screen for an hour?

Probably more times than I have, I guarantee it in all cases.

Now that I've laid that out, lets look at Windows 7, otherwise known as Windows Vista - Pig in Makeup Edition. 100% backward compatibility. Remember the commercials? Or the ads? I do. I remember a faint tinge of fear that they might actually get it right this time forcing me to stop bashing their shitty OS. But no, the one thing Microsoft never lets me down with is their ability to NOT DELIVER.

Windows 7 was supposed to be 100% compatible with XP programs and all hardware that was "current". Really, they actually stuck out their skinny geek necks and promised 100% compatibility. But what they didn't tell you 100% backward compatibility is not available to everyone.

In fact some XP and Vista users, will not have access to XP compatibility at all unless they fork up the $199 to upgrade to Ultimate.

You see, in the Microsoft viewpoint there are no poor students or families just able to afford their computers or any customer respect. No just greed.

To get XP compatibility you have to run your XP programs in a "virtualized environment". Essentially Windows creates a second computer running XP inside your Windowns 7 computer. You can imagine that this is probably not going to give you the speed, graphic performance or stability that running the program in regular XP would, and you'd be imagining right.

The funny thing is that I run Windows apps on my Mac all day long doing the exact same thing, the difference being it doesn't crash my Mac or make it run slow and the rest of my computing experience is stable and smooth and doesn't require weekly security patches.

My most recent personal experience with this was with a new netbook computer running Windows 7. I bought it for work purposes and installed the one and only PC app that it had to run, which was written for XP. Guess what? The little netbook only comes with a crippled version of 7 called Starter and Starter doesn't include XP mode or even support it. My options were two, buy the $199 upgrade making my $400 netbook a $600 one or send the fucking thing back.

Give you one guess as to the option I chose.

What I don't understand though is why some many people are willing to put up with this crappy company, their crappy products and their complete lack of customer appreciation. I guess the world really is full of idiots.

Like you didn't see that coming.

With all due respect,
The Chief

Black Friday - Further Proof that People are Idiots

Sure. With this economy we need any push we can get.

Buy stuff. Buy stuff. Buy stuff!!!

Who doesn't like a good deal? I know I do. These days money is tight and many of us are questioning whether we really need that latte this morning or should I buy the store brand gallon of milk to save 60 cents.

BUT WHO ARE THESE RETARDS who are getting to the stores at midnight so that they can save $50 on a $800 flatscreen or be guaranteed that you get the hot Elmo-Jerks-Himself-Off for your two year-old who'd be happy playing with an empty box?

Come on. I had a couple friends call me to let me know of their Black Friday Adventures. How they got there, found what they needed in the first twenty minutes then spent 2-3 hours in the checkout line. I'm certain there are worse places to be, but for me, I would have to compare it to something out of Dante's Inferno.

Now for those of you who partake in Cyber Monday: Right On.

In fact, do it while you're at work. Stick it to the man! Make money while you save money.

Just don't tell us about how awesome it was.

No one cares.

-Darth

Real Review - The LG FX-1 Multimedia HDD

I recently decided to purchase a multimedia control unit for my wife to use. While I was fine hooking up my Mac to the LCD TV and plugging in my terabyte HD to that to watch movies, it was not the most user friendly experience.
I did my homework. I got to see some of my buddies media centers in action. I priced units and decided on two models that would probably work for us. We went to Worst Buy and started looking. Immediately, we were approached by someone that could possibly be of service. After some discussion with the "expert",  he convinced me to purchase the LG FX-1 Multimedia HDD. This sounded great! It was supposedly capable of reading virtually all needed files, including the ever-so important subtitle files, SRT's, etc. The bonus being that unlike its competitors, it has a 500 gig HD built in! This is important because it was the same price as the non-HD units I was considering. It also said "Mac compatible".
Eagerly we drive home to set up our new gadget. I unpack the unit, making sure all is there. The first sign something may be amiss was seeing one of those mini-cd/rom's in the box and no hardcopy owners manual. 
The paperwork that did come with it told me I could go straight to LG's site for further assistance. I decided to fire it up plugged into the Mac. As I suspected, the HD was formatted NTFS. 
No worries, the Mac has a nifty little program called Disk Utility in which I can format any drive into just about any conceivable format. This includes FAT-ass 32 and NTFS (NoTFuckingSafe).
I format the mounted volume to Mac OS Extended(Journaled), and drug some files over to test. Things go down hill from here.


Attaching the FX-1 to the TV, I turn the unit on and then the television. The FX-1 immediately informs me it is formatting itself... I start to frown a bit. It finishes. I check for my files. Gone! The FX-1 gets unplugged. I plug it back into my Mac. Disk Utility reports as I had feared, NTFS format! I repeat the steps. To no avail...
To those of you that know Mac's, they are very forgiving. They can read FAT and NTFS files like a champ! The same is not true of FAT and NTFS! Hence my need to make this FX-1's HD Mac OS compatible. NO DAMN DICE!!


Here's where the teeth gnashing and hair pulling session come in. I'm not about to stick that miniature cd of death into my laptop, so I go to LG's website, per the instructions given in what little paperwork I had. 
UHHHHH.... LG's website has never heard of this product. I even tried typing in it's fucking serial number, to no avail. I tried LG's over-sea's sites. NADA!
At this point I'm relegated to looking for a pdf of the owners manual. Nothing on RapidShare or like sites. Nothing on Bitorrent. Nothing on sites that reviewed the damn thing!! ZERO!
I calmly wrapped the piece of stinking, poorly engineered, shit up and returned it the next day!
 I considered loosing my cool to a manager at Worst Buy, telling him/her about my wasted gas, wasted time, and the employee that recommended this contraption, knowing full well I asked about its Mac compatibility. I did not this time, for fear my anger may get the best of me.
I haven't given a rating for anything yet on this site, so I have no guideline. So how about this... I'll call them ANGRY YELLS. The order being 1 Angry Yell being the best and 10 being the worst. This steaming hunk of wasted time gets 7 ANGRY YELLS.

LG has FAILED!!!


DO NOT BUY!!
P.S.   Just today while writing this I found the damn thing on LG's site dedicated to it's junk. Try sitting through the "flash fest" that is it's site and tell me if you still have the nerve...
On another note--- I got the Western Digital TV Live. Works like a damn champ!!




ANGRY BRADY

Ever Notice - People in Waco are Really Creative

Waco, Texas.

Home of David Koresh and his Branch Davidians and Trista Joy Lathern.

Trista faked having breast cancer and told people that she was on chemotherapy.

She went as far a shaving her head and putting out fliers all over Waco for a fundraiser in her honor to help pay for her bullshit-treatments because "her health insurance had run out".

Hundreds of apparent suckers showed up at the event that hosted four bands a raffle and a bake sale. Upwards of $10,000 was raised for Trista's titty fund.

Titty Fund? Yes!

Trista used the money to get breast implants.

I have to admit this is the most creative way I've ever heard of someone raising for my implants.

It almost worked too, except as creative as Trista was, she's not real bright. She went to a plastic surgeon in Waco that HAD SEEN THE FLIERS FOR THE FUNDRAISER.

Needless to say the doc was suspicous and called the cops when Trista brought over 3 grand in cash for the down payment on the surgery.

The best part is that her husband was fouled as well. He maintains that he did not know that she didn't have cancer until the police came to question her.

Trista was arrested on November 4th for theft by deception and was released on bond two days later. The same day in fact that her husband filed for an annulment of their 7 month marriage. He also requested custody of their two son's ages 3 and 5.

Ages 3 and 5? 7 month marriage? Well its Texas after all. At least she's not 14.

Trista was re-arrested on the 9th because the Waco PD found a warrant for her on check fraud charges from 2007. Obviously the Waco PD is really on the ball. Aren't they the ones that freaked out on the Davidians and called in the AFT?

With all due respect,
The Chief

The State of Bigotry in America 2009

Sure. We have a black President and we've come a long way from the 50s and 60s. Racism has calmed down. It's definitely still there but not to the point where it's a national concern. Bigotry, however, is alive and well. I would say thriving.

Before you ask, there is a difference between Racism and Bigotry. As much as you'd like to say you're not a bigot I want to ask you a few questions. Has any of the similar to the following ever happened to you?

• Have you ever been stuck in line at a store behind a Middle Eastern guy and his wife? Was he stern and difficult with the checkout lady, questioning every other item's price when it rang up, all the while his wife stood there obediently? Was he purchasing 20 2-liter bottles of Pepsi and 10 cases of Mountain Dew? Can you make bombs with this shit?

• How about being in a different neighborhood buying beer on Sunday, taking a break from football, with your buddy and in front of you in the checkout lane you spot MC Hammer. He's wearing sunglasses inside and about 10 different chains with a brand new fancy shirt and sneakers. You laugh as your buddy points out that he's paying with WIK vouchers. Whaa?

• How about traveling out to Jefferson County and getting gas and having to lock the car when you're out of it because everyone seems to be smoking meth?

• How surprised were you when you heard about the Fort Hood shootings only to find out that the shooter was named Nidal Malik Hasan? And, get this, a Muslim. Shocker!

• Don't you love waiting at a stop light and you avoid eye contact with the loser who's panhandling a couple cars ahead? Don't you think to yourself how hard you just worked to earn the money in your pocket?

• Are you aggravated every time you use an ATM and have to choose English or Spanish? And you live in the Midwest?

Is it me or do we have a long way to go?

I'm sure it's me.

-Darth

Angry’s Favorite Director (or how NOT to get ahead in advertising)

While chewing the fat last weekend with Darth at The Chief’s shin-dig; We got to talking about movies. I happened to mention some of my favorites, including my all time favorite director David Lynch. Darth made the suggestion I review either some movies or the like, which is rather out of character for me.I know, I know...I think he’s right on this one.
For those of you not familiar with Lynch, he wrote and/or directed such greats as: Eraser Head, Blue Velvet, Wild at Heart, Lost Highway, Mulholland Drive,the most non-Lynch-like The Straight Story, Twin Peaks, the list goes on.
In addition to these he is a jazz musician, sculptor, painter,and all around strangely sanguine, even nerdy sorta guy born into a family in Missoula, MT. unsettlingly familiar to some of the “Leave it to Beaver” type families, ‘with a twist’, Lynch has in his cinema.
One needs to understand the impression he had on me at a very young age to be able to fully appreciate why his movies are burned into my psyche’. I was probably 12-13 when my Pop brought home this video called Eraser Head. He probably said something like, “Come on boys! I’ve got the new Rambo flick! Only better!” My dad was that way, always fucking with our young brains. Don’t get me wrong. My dad was a great guy, brilliant too, I think even Darth and The Chief would concur on that one. Anyway, there I was swept into an entirely, not just new and strange, but absofuckinglutely twisted and enlightening new universe!! Lynch busted this boys Amygdla and Thalamus wide open! Ain’t been quite the same since.
Eraser Head is too fucked to try and explain here. WATCH IT!!
Blue Velvet was the next movie I watched. This is probably still my favorite Lynch film. A Brief synopsis: College boy visits quite home town. Boy finds ear. Boy gets involved in the dark and dangerous underbelly of said town. Boy gets to meet Frank Booth, a twisted cat that likes to huff Oxygen( yes, Oxygen,Lynch interview said so) then get really schitzo and run amok! “Don’t you fucking look at me! Daddy wants to fuck! I’ll fuck anything that moves!!” Dean Stockwell (Quantum Leap fame) plays a freak called  Benny... You Gots to Check it Out!! Good times will be had bay all!! Especially that first date. wink-nod.
Wild at Heart is another great piece of cinematic glory. It stars Laura Dern and Nicholas Cage,(yeah before he started smokin’ that big time Hollywood producer Pole! Shithead!) This is, I do believe, the first movie I took my wife,at that time still girlfriend to. A rockin’ good time was had by all!! It’s basically a re-telling of The Wizard of Oz. Except only as Lynch could do it. Lots of cameos. Lots of good music. Lots of 1/2 dimension away from ours weirdness! Check It! Mulholland Drive: This is one of Lynchs’ newer films. It stars Naomi Watts(who plays two roles I later gleaned), and Laura Herring. Those two have probably one of the hottest sex scenes I’ve seen!! Fuck-O! Oh, and a briefly encountered Billy Ray Cyrus! Mullet and all. Basically, a starlet is riding in a limo. Her drivers try to kill her. Instead they get into an accident and she stumbles down the Hollywood hills with amnesia. She gets befriended by a wanna-be ‘starlet’. Things go Twilight Zone shortly after that. The scene in the diner, where these two, totally unrelated to the story, guys are talking, one  is telling about a recurring dream he has, that has to do with the diner that they are in presently. A walk ensues, to behind the building. The story teller is reliving his dream. He gets to a corner where the garbage bins are, and is completely horrified by what starts to peer around the corner back at him.....FUCKING CREEPY!!! I shit you not!
The movie on it surface, seems one of Lynchs’ more approachable, by the casual viewers of the usual tripe that passes for cinema. It has me firing all 8 gerbil wheels at once, more times than not trying to come up with another theory 'bout what's actually going on.
To put things a little more cut and dry... Lynch is like taking your brain to a swinger party only to find out, all in attendance either have no genitalia,or the ones that do, remind you of your first pet you loved so much, that died; Only to be brought back from the dead with messages of good will from the god Quetzalcoatl, provided you make a small sacrifice..
Long Live Lynch!!!  I hope you give his work a try. Besides, haven't you seen Monsters Inc.35  or  SAW 700 enough???

AnGRy BraDy

Five Great Places to Eat within 5 Minutes of the Lone Wolf Coffee Company

Being a West St. Louis County resident presents a dining dilemma; where to eat/drink/hang that isn't a chain restaurant. In the Ellisville/Ballwin/Wildwood area there are many places to eat, but really only a few that offer a quality, varied menu and good service in a atmosphere that makes you feel like your eating a place that loves your community. We've lived in the Wildwood area for 17 years, and have impatiently waited for the menus to grow with the population. There have been some great places come and stay, and a few that stayed too long and we've tried them all.

As you may have read, a couple of our readers think that I am unsatisfiable. I am critical, picky, a bit harsh and sometimes downright nasty, but I want something other than Sysco re-heats and Sam's Club products for my dollar. 

To remove any concern that I "hate everything" I offer this "cluster-review"of my favorite places to dine, with your family, within five minutes of my least favorite place.

5)  Peppers Deli and BBQ - near Summer Winds Nursery, close to the corner of Clarkson and Manchester
     36 Clarkson Rd
     Ellisville, MO

After 11 years of serving some of the best smoked and barbecued meats in the area, Pepper has our vote. The location may not be glamorous, but the food kicks ass. My wife is the real Peppers fan. We get a big tray full of their smoked chicken quesadillas for our annual Halloween Party, about 50 and they are usually gone within first 10 minutes. Almost every year we have people ask us where they come from and we never hesitate to tell them.

We love to stop in for a quick and simple dinner during the week and typically split the Southwest BBQ Wrap with pulled pork. Its huge and filling and delicious. They have a big menu with everything from their 11 different wraps to 10 salads and gourmet dogs and sandwiches. Best of all though is they have like 11 different meats that are rubbed and smoked to perfection. Anything from angus brisket to buffalo burger to half chickens and most if not all of it is ready to take home in the coolers or can be order for pick up.

Like all the places in this review, the service here is as good as the food. Its a small place and there are usually just a couple of people working, but they knock out the orders in minutes and have the time to chit-chat with you while they do it. They even have a little patio area to the side, which is where we usually enjoy our wrap when the weather is decent.

Best of all, this year the owner called my wife to make sure that the quesadillas met her expectations and to thank her for her business over the last few years. He didn't have to call, we would have ordered next year anyway, but its nice to know that he noticed.


4)   Senor Pique - in front of Marshals and Homegoods
      14870 Manchester Rd
      Ballwin, MO 63011-4620

I am a mexiphile. Love the country, love the food, y la gente.  My whole family does. There are lots of mexican joints in the far West County area, but for my peso this place is the best. They don't sell you ground beef tacos and bland chicken fajitas that taste like your Aunt Edna made them with a Lowrys Seasoning packet. Their flavors are strongly authentic and their offerings are well beyond the standard Tex/Mex style of many of their competitors. They offer plates you just don't find anywhere else that I've been; like Tacos de Chicharon Verde - small "open face" tacos of porkloin cooked in jalapenos, or Tacos de Cameron - spicy grilled tiger shrimp tacos with chipotle cream and avocado or my personal favorite Chile Morita con Puerco - porkloin simmered in the house chile morita sauce that will burn your frigging eyes out but god its good.

As good as the food is, the service is better. The wait staff are all super friendly, super attentive and all seem to be having a good time. I've never had the opportunity to meet the owner/manager, but I've seen him in action. He always seems to be smiling and having a good time as well. Speaking of good times, they love to party at Senor Pique because they throw huge outdoor parties throughout the spring and summer starting with Cinco de Mayo.

And BTW they were voted the Best Mexican in St. Louis in the RFT for 2007. Great place.


3)  Sarah's Cafe and Bakery - by Elegant Child and Zick's Nursery
     505 Strecker Road 
     Wildwood, MO

I love breakfast. I love cupcakes. My wife does too.
We love Sarah's

I think we have been here almost every Saturday morning since sometime in March, with the exception of the past few months due to early morning 6th grade football games. I've had every scramble, the wheat germ pancakes, the waffles and the Southwest burrito. All crazy good. 

They serve espresso drinks as well a good cup of coffee and they keep your cup filled which I love.

The bakery stuff is ridiculous, -ly good. There are a lot of cupcake places in St. Louis all hoping to cash in on the Sprinkles craze and to be honest they all pale in comparison to Sarah's. These cupcakes are the right size, they have just enough frosting and the cake is high quality, not too sweet, moist, yum. The other bakery items are excellent as well like the cake truffles, the cookies and the bars. My wife is partial to the apricot bar which when they don't have it she almost cries.

They also do lunch but not dinner and the lunch menu is very good as well. I've only been there once for lunch and I had the Provencial Salad. The flavor and ingredient quality surpassed its $7.99 price tag.

Again, the service here is also excellent. You never wait for anything, your coffee cup is always full, your water glass is always full, your food is always hot and your order is always right. 


2)  Mulligans Grill - next to Gaffneys Sports, behind Pizza Hut
     11 Clarkson Road
     Ellisville, MO

21 beers from across the world, killer martinis, hot wings that call your name and burgers that could be served to royalty. Not your usual sports bar. I hate to even call it a sports bar because to me they're not places I usually want to go, but Mulligans is different, yet still a sports bar with TVs at every angle with every game on and the requisite Golden Tee.

They have honestly the best wings around. So good in fact, we have friends that come back to St. Louis three times a year after having moved to Wichita and always stop at Mulligans for wings, and take some home. I can't even imagine the way their car smells when they get home. Actually I doubt they make it home without eating the wings anyway.

My personal favorite is the Divot (all of the food items have golf related names) which is a huge albacore tuna fillet grilled with sautéed mushrooms and provel cheese on a kaiser roll. Its something that I can only go about two weeks without having to have it again. My wife craves the PGA wrap with their buffalo chicken strips, cheddar cheese, lettuce, tomato and green onions. When she doesn't do the PGA she does the house salad with their homemade ranch. Simple and delicious.

One of our family's most requested items from Mulligans though is their waffle fries, which really are the best I've ever had.

All of this great food, served in a quaint Pub atmosphere that's super family friendly and served by people that say things like "great to see you guys again" and "welcome back we missed you" make Mulligans a place that my family will always return to.


1) Faraci's Pizza - right in front of Shop and Save in Ellisville
    15430 Manchester Road
    Ellisville, MO

The Faracis; Joe, Dorothy, Vince and Pete are like family to us. We have been regular customers since 1994, eating there every Friday night as a family or with friends and sometimes Saturday too. We bring everyone we know here, especially people that have never had St. Louis style pizza.

Now, if you don't like St. Louis-style pizza they have great pastas a killer house salad, great sandwiches and heck they even have a burger that my picky-ass son loves. But seriously what's wrong with you? St. Louis-style pizza is like heaven and makes Chicago-style look like the overweight, greasy mess it is. Thin crisp crust, provel cheese, square slices, ahh St. Louis style pizza is the best.

The thing though about Faracis Pizza that brings us back is the people, the owners and the staff. They are just really good, friendly, caring people. They love what they do and it shows. The Faraci elders, Joe and Dorothy are there to greet you at the door, ask how your kids are, how's business, how's life, et cetera. While the boys, Vince and Pete, yell "hey guys" from the window between the counter and the kitchen. The wait staff, Rene and Michelle have worked there forever and bring you your usual beverage without having to ask. Its that kind of place. Their back up crew, Tim and Anthony, are right there with whatever you need and are always hustling. And everybody is having fun. Lots of laughs, lots of smiles even when they place is completely full and has a line out the door.

There are other places in the five minute zone that are good too, but these are our favorites. If your favorite is not here, sorry, but feel free to say so. 


With all due respect,
The Chief

Scary Movie Time!!!

It's that time of year.
Halloween.
I get more excited for this holiday over any other. I get to dress up. Get drunk. Vomit and roll down a hill.
Anyway...
Since we're on the subject of Halloween let's review some of the scariest scenes in movies and television.
These aren't necessarily the scariest movies of all time (with exception to The Exorcist) but the scenes that really jump out at you and make your eyes get big when they come up in a conversation.
And away we go...

The Exorcist
There's a ton of scary shit going on here. It's too hard to pick one scene. If I had to pick I'd have to go with the initial Head-Turning-All-The-Way-Around Scene.
Very unsettling to a brain-washed Catholic School Kid.
Jesus Christ. I'm creeping out just posting this photo. (plus I managed to find the crucifix picture)

Next!








Poltergeist
The Clown Scene. I never had Coulrophobia before this movie. This would have to be the one that started it all. Clowns have always been scary but this flick made you shit your pants over them. This is before Stephen King invented Pennywise and way before Killer Clowns From Outer Space (classic!).
This classic scene unfolds as little Robbie is going to bed and notices that the clown doll at the end of his bed is missing (who get's their little boy this thing in the first place?). He looks around then goes to peek under the bed. Lifts the sheets. Whew. Nothing. He sits up. HOLY SHIT! It's sitting next to him.
Finally, people witness the evil of clowns on screen!





The Amityville Horror
The 70s had some scary friggin' movies. The Exorcist. The Omen. The Amityville Horror. Like The Exorcist this movie was based on actual events.
The scene I found scariest was when the daughter is talking to Margot Kidder (before she became a homeless troll) about her imaginary friend. Margot humors her then turns to the window and sees a set of glowing red eyes looking at her! Geez. I just about pissed my pants. Of course, I was 10 when I saw it. But still...







The Ring
The very beginning of the movie when the girls are talking about the video tape and the following phone call. It all starts happening then cut to the scene where they find their bodies in the closet and the one girl's head tilts to the side.
For me this was the scene that really made you jump. But, when they play the actual tape and you see all the creepy images and the girl coming out of the well...All of that is classic creepy shit.









The Shining
The Stanley Kubrick version from 1980 didn't follow the book exactly but there was some creepy stuff going on here. I had the opportunity to stay at the hotel King based this on, the Stanley Hotel in Estes Park, Colorado. I wandered around the halls at two in the morning just to creep myself out. It worked. If only I could have opened the doors to see weird shit like the picture to the left.
I mean really, WTF?









Signs
You would think that if I were to pick an M. Night Shyamalan film I would have chosen The Sixth Sense. But no. We are talking SCENES here folks. Without a doubt the Mexican Birthday Party footage scene takes the cake. (no pun intended)
You know what's coming. Aaaannny second now ... then BAM! Joaquin Phoenix's reaction is priceless. It perfectly mirrors what you're feeling. As that footage shows the alien it is one of the most perfect scenes in cinema timing.





And then there's these:

Any scene with the little doll from Trilogy of Terror.










These little bastards from The Wizard of Oz.










And of course, anything from HR Pufnstuf.











-Darth

Another Reason to Hate VH1

A big trend lately is Lists.

"Top 10 Greatest Movie Villains"

"Top 50 Greatest Albums of All Time"

and, of course, "VH1's Greatest One-Hit Wonders".

You've heard me go off on One-Hit Wonders before and how there were way more in the '90s than '80s.

This time I will be removing some bands from this classification or at least educating you on the shortcomings of the VH1 staff (who only know how to make reality TV these days).

Nothing Compares 2 U - Sinead O'Conner

Was this Sinead's only hit? Yes. It hit #1 in 1990 and overshadowed her career. Of course she also got a little nutty, Prince threw her out of his moving limo, she ripped up the Pope's picture on SNL, she became a priest. BUT she had some great music. The album this song came off of, I Do Not Want What I Haven't Got, had some great songs on it. Her debut album, The Lion and the Cobra, is one of the greatest alternative albums of the 1980s. Anyone who listened to college radio or kept up with post-punk-new-wave-whatever had this album. Some of great songs: Mandinka, I Want Your (Hands on Me) and Troy. Go listen to Troy right after you read this post. Really loud.

A-Ha - Take On Me

This was, without a doubt, one of the greatest videos of all time and it was a huge hit back in 1985. But they had two other songs that were realeased and had moderate airplay; "Hunting High & Low" and "The Sun Always Shines on TV." I remember the album being pretty decent. They remain the only memorable rock band that hailed from Norway.

Crash Test Dummies - Mmm, Mmm, Mmm

No one really heard a voice like this guy when they came out with this song. Somehow it worked.However, these guys put out some good music after that song. They were spotty, album-wise, but I can list a handful of great songs they did: Superman Song, Afternoons and Coffee Spoons and a cool cover of XTC's Ballad of Peter Pumpkinhead.

The Cardigans - Love Fool

They also had a few songs that had airplay; My Favorite Game and Erase/Rewind. But the coolest song they ever did was a cover of

The Talking Heads' Burning Down the House with Tom Jones. Sounds crazy but it is totally awesome. You can't knock Tom Jones. He took down Martians.

Big Country - In a Big Country

Big strike against them: their song contains their name. Double whammy.
Despite this song being so big, the album it came from was actually a really good record. The Crossing also contained Fields of Fire, which was a moderate hit.
They had another record, Peace in Our Time, which was an all around great album. Not a bad song on it.

Devo - Whip It

This is probably the biggest travesty on this retarded list. Devo is one the greatest pioneering bands ever. Those who write them off as a OHW shouldn't be able to give their opinion.
They had one of the greatest covers of all time. Satisfaction.
Let's not forget their classics Freedom of Choice, Beautiful World, Girl You Want and Jocko Homo.
Not bad for a bunch of guys from Akron, Ohio.

The Verve - Bittersweet Symphony

This was a very big hit. Do you know anyone who doesn't like this song?

The Rolling Stones maybe? The orchestra sample that runs through this song is lifted from their 1965 track "The Last Time." Long story short: The Stones sued them and Jagger and Richards are now credited as 100% songwriters. The Verve didn't make a cent on this song even though they wrote all the lyrics and accompanying music to the piece and negotiated to sample the music before they recorded. Jagger and Richards felt they over did it once they saw the song become a big hit. This is similar to what Queen did to Vanilla Ice for swiping "Under Pressure" for "Ice Ice Baby". The difference being he never got permission of any kind from the band.

They did have another hit on Urban Hymns; Luck Man. Great song. I just heard it while watching "Marley & Me." At least Jagger and Richards won't get any money from that.

The Waitresses - I Know What Boys Like

Not one of my favorites on this list but I have to point out that they have one of the most popular Christmas songs of the last 20-something years, Christmas Wrapping.
Admit it. You like that song.

Metal Stuff
I was never a big metal fan but I have a lot of friends who are and to be honest it's really grown on me over the last couple years. Nostalgia? I don't know.

Twisted Sister - We're Not Gonna Take It

They also had "I Wanna Rock". Both videos featured the Niedermeyer guy from Animal House. That alone makes them cool. Speaking of cool. Notice the one guy in the band who said "Fuck it. I'm not putting on the makeup. I'm just wearing shades and a goatee." Right on.

Ratt - Round & Round

Lay It Down was pretty big as well. They also had Back For More, You're In Love and Wanted Man.
I feel dirty for knowing these songs. Must Shower.

Quiet Riot - Cum On Feel The Noise

This was the first heavy metal song to make Billboards Top 5. The album, Metal Health, hit #1. I think I was one of the only kids to NOT have this thing on vinyl. The title track was a big hit as well.

I remember kids wearing that retarded mask from the album cover at halloween.

So there you have it. Yet another reason to hate VH1. They can shove all their lists up their asses. While they're at it they can also take their reality shows and every "I Love the..." bullshit show. The last good thing they did was Popup Video. At least they showed MUSIC videos with that. They just brought back "Behind The Music." But who wants to watch that when it covers Kanye West and Jay-Z. Those episodes should be retitled "Behind the Guys Who Talk Over Music."

-Darth Taco

Google Anal-itics

GOOGLE ADS ON THE SITE

Well I know that we're gonna have to cough up money to someone in the near future for funniest story, etc. What better way to pay that someone than to post Google sponsored ads on the site!

The biggest gripe I have is how utterly inappropriate they are given the context of the particular page one may be viewing. Consider this. I just logged on to check the other flurry of meanderings I posted, only to be given the opportunity to contact 3 different law firms. Mostly the kind you contact when you really don't have that good of a case in the first place, but you're told you could probably get 25 bazillion dollars cause you inserted that thermos of coffee up your ass and the lid came off while firmly positioned near your upper intestine. Ya' you'll prolly be told that if the thermos manufacturer had spent a little more time considering the preferences of it's consumer, and that, obviously no thought was given to design; well Hell!! You got a case!!! The funny thing is, my post had nothing about Law, Suing, Suits, Legal, or any other shit for that matter about The Law!!Google, considering the time and money they spend on their 'analytics', ought to check shit out a little more... Or maybeeee their tryin' to tell Angry somethin'???

angry BRADY

Observations on Sports

I like sports. I do not love sports.
It's football season and I dig it.
I was thinking about how much I like football and then started to analyze how and why I feel the way I do about it.

How much do I know about football? I know it's not that complicated but every season I have to ask the dude I'm watching it with the same questions: Do they kick off at the half or start off where they left off? Why not go for the 2 point conversion? Why do they run the ball right through the middle only to get swatted down two yards in?

So then I came to a conclusion. I like sitting on my ass on the couch drinking beer, eating wings and hanging out doing nothing.

I can admit it. I'm sure there's plenty of guys out there who live and breathe football.
You've got the nuts who go overboard with the fantasy football to the point where they should be embarrassed about it. You've got the face painting cretins who show up at the games.

Granted, I love seeing those dudes.
They are 1 step under the LARPers (Live Action Role Players).

When it comes to actually watching football I'm pretty casual about it. I choose what teams I'm rooting for based on my own absurd criteria. i.e., what team is from a city I like to visit, who beat my team in the last Super Bowl, who did I lose money on when I randomly picked them in the office pool.
When the game is on I look for turnovers, hard hits and missed field goals.
Just like if I'm somewhere and Nascar is on I'm just watching it for the potential wrecks.

This Sunday when watching the noon games my buddy would switch over to Nascar. Wow. I could write an entire article on this "sport" alone. Granted, it is interesting to learn how the cars are made, what they do in the pit stops and the technology that goes into everything. Plus, it looks pretty good in HD. But, after 10 minutes I was bored. No wrecks.
Here's how it can be improved:
Too many laps. Cut down the laps and add obstacles; Ramps, Hot Wheel-style loops, weapons.
That would make it much more watchable.

I do appreciate how the drivers bad mouth each other after the race. I think they should put them in a room right after the finish and get that on film. That would be awesome.

I guess in the end I'm just a fair-weather fan who will lose interest in the football season at week 3 and not really give a shit. That is, until the Super Bowl, which I'll DVR and fast forward to the good stuff. You know, the commercials and the half-time show!

-Darth

TV. Don't You Just Love It?

Television is awful.
You know it is. But we keep watching it though.
It's full of total drivel.
There are a few exceptions; Lost, Rescue Me, 30 Rock and shows on HBO and Showtime.

Other than that our TVs are filled with bullshit like Catching Up with the Kardashians, Kourtney and Khloe Take Miami, For The Love of Ray J, Survivor Season 147 and all the countless reality dating shows.
Are people's lives so empty that they have to fill it with these (mostly filthy rich) people's boring exploits? Christ! WTF People?
Who gives a shit about Kim Kardashian (unless it's her porn) and Tori Spellings challenges (?) in life?
It makes me wish I could travel back in time to blow up the first The Real World house. They're the fuckers who started it all, aren't they?
MTV and VH1 don't even play anything music-related anymore. They're just full of reality crap.

OK. Before reality TV we were limited to sitcoms and 60 minute dramas and the occasional variety show. Before that we could only watch 5-6 channels. I'm not wishing for that shit to come back. I just want to line up everyone who loves Paris Hilton and all the Kardashians and have them shot. Of course, along with Paris Hilton and all the Kardashians.
Reality TV doesn't have writers. It has editors and angles.

TV's getting worse. Without a DVR you're fucked. We first bought the things to get through the commercials now we have them to get through the majority of the crap that's out there. Try to watch Hell's Kitchen without a DVR.

Even History Channel is going to Hell. Pawn Stars: a reality show about pawn shop owners. What does this have to do with history?
How about Biography Channel? Ghostly Encounters. Psychic Investigators. Urban Legends. What's worse than reality shit? Fake reality shit. Here's a listing of actual Biography episodes this week: Valerie Bertinelli, Melissa Gilbert, Mackenzie Phillips, Matt Damon, George Clooney, Daniel Craig, Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner (together), Vanilla Ice, Eminem, Justin Timberlake, Kurt Cobain. Shit. That's just through Thursday.
What insight can we gain through the lives of TV and music stars? Don't do drugs? That's it.
Everyone is too obsessed with celebrity.

Don't get me wrong. I love my TV, as awful as it is. I just try to be more selective.
There is no integrity in TV. Probably never was. Even the news is reduced to soundbites, overbearing opinions and celebrity updates.

Fuck it. I gotta go. Don't want to miss Survivor.

-Darth

One Dry But Obsessive Read

In an effort to lessen the banality of Angry's work life, and possibly do something other than bust my knuckles for a living; I have been studying Mac OS X Support Essentials, which is not all that dull. The dullness I have discovered is a byproduct of the Console App. I've found that from an enjoyment to read standpoint, the Console logs are as dry as dehydrated water stored in packing desiccant! On the other hand, I find myself obsessed with the Goddamn thing! So much so that I have wasted literally 10's of hours on a couple of logs that I'm none to sure what is actually going on with my system. While I understand there are all kinds of errors that occur that I can disregard, it isn't those that fluster and consume my time. It happens to be process logs, etc. that I can't even get a clear answer from the Apple Knowledge Base, posts, other websites, you name it! ( Fuck! I can't even believe I'm writing about this shit!! Although, if someone read and commented on my last rant, anything can happen...) The Console acts as an info application for all events that have occurred from boot-up to shutdown. Hundreds if not thousands of 'events' get logged. For the typical admin. of a computer this is quite informative. For a freak of nature as myself, these logs can be a nightmare! They are definitely useful to me, yet I've had a difficult time leaving these little fuckers alone! Even people in the know have said, " As long as your Mac is operating correctly; Don't worry about them." I don't know.... I just want to know what makes things tick, obviously to my detriment. I'm not sure if it's 'cause I'm getting older, or that the more I think I learn the less I feel I know. I've left the Console alone now and again, only to be sucked back in after having to view some other legitimate process. Is there a 12 step program for Console? My advise to anyone else.... Don't even look at that damn thing! Unless you're an Uber-Unix-Geek. If that's the case, Angry could sure use some comfort on this front. It's either that Console or the information out there about certain processes is a bitch-devil-whore!! At least I don't see shit like this anymore! Winblows... Now that really IS a nightmare! ANGRY BRadY

80's -vs- 90's: One Hit Wonders

I just finished reading a blog about the One Hit Wonders of the 1980s.

The article went into detail about how the 1980s was a decade of OHWs (I'm lazy. I don't want to type it out every time).
I have to strongly disagree with this. I think the 90s had faaarrr more OHWs. They just weren't as memorable.
Sure, the 80s had In A Big Country, Rock Me Amadeus and 99 Luftballoons.
But the 90s had such hits as Flagpole Sitta, I Touch Myself, New Age Girl and Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm.
Out of those samplings from the 90s, can you name any of the artists?

Here's a few others:

Groove is in the Heart - Dee-Lite

Remember in the early ninety's how people were trying to bring back the sixties. You had annoying college students getting into the Grateful Dead because it went with smoking weed? Annoying.
This group made sure to let you know that retards come in all creeds and colors.

What is Love - Haddaway

OK. This song is known only as "those SNL head-bobbing guys" song.
Haddaway's most likely doesn't mind. He's probably getting a $12,000 royalty check every month for this fucking thing.
It IS nearly impossible to hear it with out doing the head thing though. Come on. Admit it.

What's Up - 4 Non Blondes

Still played today. No one could remember the groups name. Everyone knows the song.
Useless trivia: Lead singer Linda Perry went on to co-write with Pink on most her hits. None of which are as annoying as this song.

New Age Girl - Deadeye Dick

Total Tripe. Remember this crappy song? No? Lucky bastards! I could go into detail about how shitty it is and why but fuck it. Just listen to it. Try.

Macarena - Los Del Rio

Destined to become a wedding reception staple. Don't you feel stupid for buying this and putting it on the charts? You know who you are. You're the same assholes who put OMC and Lou Bega on the charts. Damn you.

Mambo No. 5 (A Little Bit of...) - Lou Bega

More wedding reception fodder. Christ. How horrid. Although I do have nice memories of my 8 year old singing and dancing to it at the time. What I wouldn't pay to have footage of that. The little bastard.

How Bizarre - OMC

Who the fuck was this guy and how did he get this on the radio? What does OMC stand for? I don't have time to Google this douche bag. Wiki just shows that OMC was a band from New Zealand. We should have nuked NZ in 1996 because of this. Lord of the Rings could have been filmed somewhere else.

Tubthumping - Chumbawamba

Wow. I have saved the "best" for last. I have to admit. I loved this song when it came out. I worked with a dude that did this bit where he would do this crazy dance when the song came on the radio. It lasted a week. He couldn't keep up. It was on the radio alot. It seemed like every thirty minutes. Most overplayed One Hit Wonder of the 90s.

Pretty much all of these "artists" are forgettable. Everyone remembers Big Country (song title helps), Falco and Nina.
How many of you remembered Harvey Danger, The Divinyls, Deadeye Dick and the Crash Test Dummies?
I thought so.
-Darth