Is There a Cardiologist in the House?

So my wife totally f#cked up dinner.
It's an unseasonable chilly day in April and my wife and I are discussing what we're going to have for dinner. She's at the store. I'm still at work.
Chili.
What sounds better than that? Chili with Fritos, cheese and diced onions. What a perfect comfort food for a dreary day. Something to look forward to.
15 minutes from home I get the call.
No chili. She swore we had plenty at home so she didn't buy any. She got home to find ONE can. Turkey Chili. So she tells me she made it, added some more beans and tomato sauce and I'm not going to like it.
Long story short. I'm disappointed. I'm not eating that sh!t so we go out.

KFC sounds good. So we go to KFC (Formerly known as Kentucky Fried Chicken because "Fried" has become a bad word).
On our way in my wife points out the newest sensation: The Double Down. She goads me to try one. If it's horrible I can write about it to the idiots who peruse this site.
For those of you who don't know what the Double Down is here you go:


Here's how KFC describes it:
"The new KFC Double Down sandwich is real! This one-of-a-kind sandwich features two thick and juicy boneless white meat chicken filets (Original Recipe® or Grilled), two pieces of bacon, two melted slices of Monterey Jack and pepper jack cheese and Colonel's Sauce. This product is so meaty, there’s no room for a bun! The Double Down comes in two versions – Original Recipe® or Grilled and the nutrition information is below."
CALORIES: 540 FAT (g) 32 SODIUM (mg) 1380

I opt for the Original Recipe version. What the hell...
So I get the "sandwich" and open the box (they conceal it so that you can't see the monster that it is at the counter) and there it is. It's exactly as they describe it. I pick it up take a bite as my wife is grinning and...
it's not that bad. It's what you expect it to be. I take a drink of my Dr. Pepper to wash down the first bite.
So we start eating "dinner" and talk about the day's events and her dork of a boss and I realize I've had three bites and my soda is empty. I've had to drink the whole thing to wash this cumbersome mess down.

Refill drink, attempt to finish "food." I get about half way through this thing and I have to wipe off all of the Colonel's Sauce and I've removed the bacon and cheese. I eat one so-called bun and throw away the rest.

I'm not sure why I ate this f*cking thing but I regret it. I've been eating fairly healthy for the majority of 2010 and I've just consumed over half my calories and ALL of my fat for the day.

Good thing I'm not tracking sodium.

Looks like I need to put in 10 miles on the treadmill.
Right. I'll do that as soon as I get out of the bathroom.


Don't eat this thing. Even if double dares you to double down!
- Darth

Louis Letterier Raped My Childhood (A Clash of the Titans Review)

It's been a while since we've done a movie review. This means either we haven't been to the movies much or we've had pretty good luck with seeing good movies. This all ends after seeing Clash of the Titans.

Let's start off with me pointing out that I thought the original from 1980 was a great film. It was perhaps the last movie to depend on stop-motion and was the last Ray Harryhausen film. For those of you who don't know who Ray Harryhausen is, he was responsible for such classics as Jason and the Argonauts, Mighty Joe Young, Mysterious Island and the Sinbad movies.

Now, does the original stand up to the test of time? Sure, it's outdated but it had some charm to it. This update doesn't. I'm sure some of you will disagree, but you know what? You're idiots. I'm sure you're going to say how great and realistic the special effects are but really, they're just more of that over-CG'd bullshit. But I digress.

PLOT
Let's talk plot. The plot in this new version barely resembles the original. The character names are the same but they are mixed throughout the film and have different relations to each other than the original. Of course, Perseus is here, Andromeda, Cassiopeia, Pegasus, Medusa. The Gods are present: Zeus, Poseidon, Hades. Wait. Hades? Hades wasn't in the first one. Is this a bad thing? Yeah. It's the shittiest plot point in the film.

CAST

Guess who plays Hades? Voldemort. I mean Ralph Fiennes. But in this movie he gets to have hair and a nose. Totally unnecessary character in the film. I guess the director had the same coupon that Speilberg had for Schindler's List and Ralph Fiennes just came with Liam Neeson.
Speaking of Mr. Neeson. He's too recognizable to play Zeus. The entire time I was thinking "Liam Neeson needs a paycheck." Did he not have life insurance on his wife?
(low. I know even for me.)

Sam Worthington. Why does everyone think this guy is the next big thing? He was OK in Avatar, but really? Did he make the movie? No. The blue people, monsters and 3D did.
In Clash of the Titans he barely masks his atrocious Australian accent. He even had the same haircut he had in Avatar and Terminator: Salvation. Maybe this guy awesome like everyone says but I don't see it. McLovin' could have done a better job.

The other actors were just as replaceable. Granted the chick playing Andromeda was attractive but they weren't anywhere near as hot as the original actress. Maybe I'm just partial to the original actress because she was the first naked woman I ever saw at the age of ten.

A new character they added is Io, played by Gemma Arterton. She acts as the guide and is somewhat obnoxious. Not by her presence or lines but by her voice. This has to be one of the worst overdubs in film history. You shouldn't be able to tell that an actor re-records lines in a studio after everything is shot. Obvious.

All the other actors suck. Not worth mentioning.

THE 3D
Don't waste your time. The 2 minute preview of Step It Up 3D had more impressive 3D effects than this entire film. You could tell that the 3D was an afterthought because it was just lame. I want my extra $4.00 back. The movie was supposed to come out over a month ago but they saw the success of Avatar and thought they would jump on the bandwagon. There were probably a few cool 3D shots but I can't remember them. I do remember that the front of Liam Neeson's head was in 3D. Terrible.

THE CREATURES
Ok. This movie has a better Kraken. Of course you know that already because it was way overexposed in every trailer and commercial. It was a major selling point.

Pegasus was black and lame. In the original Perseus had to capture the horse and break it. In this he just walks up to it and pets it in the woods, it flies off to return when Perseus needs a ride towards the end of the film. Shocker. Pegasus is basically the token black character in the film. Off set it wears those lame Kanye shades.

The Stygian witches are grosser of course. They look more alien than witchy.
Charon the Boatman was kinda cool but not as creepy as the original "skeleton in a robe."
Hey Hollywood, do you have to overdesign everything?

Calibos is a very minor character. Could have skipped him altogether. In the original he was a major player who you hated but pitied. In this version if you blinked you didn't even know where he came from.

The Giant Scorpions were pretty cool but when the fight scene was going on you could barely tell what was going on. This is another shitty trend that Hollywood has taken on. Fight scenes that happen really close up so that you can't really tell what's happening. Gladiator was one the first movies to do this. Crappy action. Zoom out!

Finally, there's Medusa. I'm torn on this one. The new version was pretty cool. But of course it was way obvious that she was CG. Did the special effects guys even try to make her look real? She was similar to the original but she only turned ugly when she gazed at you and turned you to stone. That's fine. The Medusa scene was probably the highlight of the movie. But again, the original scene when they confront her in her lair is way more intimidating.

Good news though, Bubo the Owl did manage to make an appearance in the 2010 remake. Here's the scene:
Our heroes are equipping themselves to go on their quest. As they begin to leave Perseus hears hooting and clicking coming from the a trunk. He opens it and pulls out the mechanical owl who is perched on a branch. Perseus asks the leader, "What's this?" The leader replies, "Nothing. Leave it." Perseus drops it back in the trunk and leaves.
Louis Letterier (the director) to Ray Harryhausen: "Fuck you Ray, it's my movie now."

Don't bother. It sucked.

- DARTH

Mardi Gross

Every now and then I must venture out of my secret hidden base and mingle amongst the plebeians of society. This provides a great cover to those who I wish not to know my world domination plans.
I did this very thing on February 13th. Met at friend's house at 8:30a.m., followed them to their friend's house in Soulard. Made beignet's, drank mimosas and bloody marys, mingled.
At approximately 11:15 we decide to venture out and check out the festivities, hurricanes in hand. We get about 500 feet from the house and I capture this Mardi Gras magic:

It's 11:20 in the morning.

For those of you who are not local to St. Louis I'll fill you in on the Soulard Mardi Gras. It's the second biggest Mardi Gras celebration in the world. Second only to New Orleans. Like most people (including the people who attend) you probably don't even know what they're celebrating.I could do a bunch of research but I'm lazy. I think it has something to do with that Lent BS and everyone does it up the weekend before Lent and Fat Tuesday happens the day before Ash Wednesday and blah blah blah who cares.

Anyway, Soulard Mardi Gras is pretty gigantic and it seems to be growing exponentially every year.
It is the ultimate amateur hour. I would say the average age of those attending is probably between 20-30 with the occasional 30-50 year-old sprinkled about. AND of course you have your 50+ crowd who should not be there. Really, anyone with any sense should not be there. It is ridiculous.
Unless of course, you enjoy public intoxication, really loud morons puking everywhere and passing out. If this is your thing have at it.
The only thing that is not a drawback are the titties. They are usually popping out left and right for beads or just because the crowd demands it. This was not as prevalent this year because of the 30 degree weather. Which begged me to ask the question: What's the point?

Despite the gigantic, ever-growing crowd this year. The arrests and citations were somewhat minimal:
* 68 Minors in Possession of Alcohol
* 17 Urinating in Public
* 12 False Identification
* 4 DUI's
* 4 Supplying Alcohol to Minor
* 3 General Peace Disturbance
* 2 Resisting Arrest
* 2 Assault on a Law Enforcement Officer (an officer was punched and an officer was spit on while attempting to take a man into custody)
* 1 Selling Liquor without a License
* 1 3rd Degree Assault (a man got into a fight with a friend and punched him)
* 1 Property Damage (a man got into a fight at a friend's Soulard home and damaged a window at the home)
* 1 Marijuana Possession

Pretty tame if you ask me. What does the above list tell you? There weren't that many cops there.

My advice: If you want to celebrate Mardi Gras have your own party. Invite your friends over. Get everyone stupid drunk. At least make sure some of them are going to get their titties out. Then have them get the fuck out of your house when you're sick of them. (Call a cab of course.)


-Darth

Zombies: Way Cooler Than Vampires

"How many hours are in a day when you don't spend half of them watching television?
When is the last time any of us REALLY worked to get something that we wanted?
How long has it been since any of us really NEEDED something that we WANTED?
The world of commerce and frivolous necessity has been replaced by a world of survival and responsibility.
An epidemic of apocalyptic proportions has swept the globe casing the dead to rise and feed on the living.
In a matter of months society has crumbled, no government, no grocery stores, no mail delivery, no cable TV.
In a world ruled by the dead, we are forced to finally start living."


This is the text that appears on the back of every collected volume of The Walking Dead. I challenge you to find a better written book series out there. Far better written than that Twilight crap for 12-year-olds and more suspenseful and engaging than Charlaine Harris' "True Blood" books that seem to be written BY a 12-year-old. The funny thing is, it's not even a novel. It's a monthly B&W comic book.
It is by far, the best thing out there in literature. Yes. Literature.
Now, I'm not going to go into the argument of of great comic books are and how they're under-appreciated blah blah blah. It's all been done. Instead I'm going to give a quick breakdown of the premise of this great book in the hopes that you literary snobs out there will pick up an issue and get hooked.

Officer Rick Grimes is shot on the job. He wakes up from a coma in a hospital months later to find the staff gone and zombies roaming the halls. He sets off to find his wife and son. On his journey he runs into a variety of survivors and forms a group that struggle to stay alive while fighting off the dead, the elements and lack of food. They find that the most dangerous obstacle out there is not the dead but the living.
Not everyone is going to make it and you never know when your favorite character is going to bite the dust. There are constant WTF moments in the book. I have, on occasion, put the book down in disbelief at what just happened. Whether it's a major character getting bit by a zombie, someone getting their hand cut off or some atrocity being committed by people who exist in a world where there is complete anarchy. You will also witness the slow disintegration of a character's decency and sanity while you ask yourself what you would do in the same situation.

The book really pulls you in and gets you involved with the characters, good or bad, and what their fate will be. It's not just the great writing of Robert Kirkman but also the superb, minimalistic art of Charlie Adlard and Cliff Rathburn. Together they are master storytellers who aptly convey the desperation and fear in each character while they drive the story with great panels and a splash page here and there which blows you away with each little reveal.

Right now AMC has ordered a pilot for The Walking Dead TV series. It will swing into production in a couple months. Normally I'd be worried about something that I love so much getting the hollywood treatment but Kirkman will be producing along with Frank Darabont. Frank Darabont is the only guy to successfully adapt Stephen King onto the big screen with The Shawshank Redemption, The Green Mile and The Mist.

Let's face it folks, the majority of great movies out there these days are pulled from the comic book genre. Maybe it's because Hollywood has finally figured out how to do it right along with the fact that they are running out of good ideas. I'm perfectly fine with that. If they can pull off The Watchmen, Iron Man and 300 there's hope. We just can't forget travesties like League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, Constantine, Judge Dread, Batman & Robin and Superman III and IV.
So pick up The Walking Dead. It's available in Trade Paperback format, which is how I read it. They collect 6 issues in every trade. Right now it is up to Volume 11. Each trade will run you about 15 bucks. Well worth it. They are readily available at any Barnes and Noble or Borders or better yet, your local comic book store. My only advice: Try to spread them out. I read the first 8 trades over a 4 month period. Now I have to wait 3-4 months for each issue. It's a bit torchoreous.

Turn off your TV and read a book you idiots. It doesn't matter if it has pictures in it. It still counts.


- Darth

Good Riddance Christmas!

I don't know about you but I am thrilled that the holidays are finally over.
I'm certainly no Scrooge but, really, I'm glad that sh*t is over.
Why?
The reasons are too numerous and we've covered a few of them already. Namely, peoples' lame-ass inflatable yard decorations and lights.
Here's a few others.

Christmas Cards.
OK folks. Only send these if they are a regular Christmas card that has a short, personalized inscription.
DO NOT send Christmas cards that are just a lame picture of your kids.I was over at a friend's house and noticed the abundance of tacky Christmas cards. There's your typical family portrait ones. That's OK. No big deal. But guess what? I don't want to see pictures of just your kids on the front. If they're my relatives. Barely appropriate.
My beef is when you send a pretentious POS card that has photos of your kids engaged in polo, football or swimming. WHO CARES? Face it; no one likes your kids as much as you do.
These are very typical "Look-At-Me" people.
And don't send Christmas letters. Get on Facebook and update people that way, you narcissist.

Cookie Parties.
Don't do these anymore. A group of wives will bake cookies and get together and trade them off. No one ever makes them as good as you. If there was a guy version of this and the dudes brought beer you would be the one bringing the fancy imported sh*t and everyone else would bring Miller Light and PBR.
I take it back. Men respect each other more than that.

Gifts.
Admit it. Your gifts suck every year since you've been a grown-up/parent. As much thought that your spouse or kids FEEL they have put into your gift it will NEVER come close to the AT-AT your parents (Santa) got you when you were 9.

Politically Correct "Happy Holidays" Crap
It's Christmas, people. I'm far from being a christian but I agree that the season needs to be called Christmas. I'm not offended if the checkout person says "Merry Christmas." Anyone who doesn't recognize this as Christmas just stay home. Screw Kwanzaa and Hanukkah. Those are separate, and let's face it, one is just made up.I'm sure I'll expand this list next Christmas. After all, I'm getting more negative and crotchety in my old age.

'til next time, you whipper-snappers!

-Darth

Black Friday - Further Proof that People are Idiots

Sure. With this economy we need any push we can get.

Buy stuff. Buy stuff. Buy stuff!!!

Who doesn't like a good deal? I know I do. These days money is tight and many of us are questioning whether we really need that latte this morning or should I buy the store brand gallon of milk to save 60 cents.

BUT WHO ARE THESE RETARDS who are getting to the stores at midnight so that they can save $50 on a $800 flatscreen or be guaranteed that you get the hot Elmo-Jerks-Himself-Off for your two year-old who'd be happy playing with an empty box?

Come on. I had a couple friends call me to let me know of their Black Friday Adventures. How they got there, found what they needed in the first twenty minutes then spent 2-3 hours in the checkout line. I'm certain there are worse places to be, but for me, I would have to compare it to something out of Dante's Inferno.

Now for those of you who partake in Cyber Monday: Right On.

In fact, do it while you're at work. Stick it to the man! Make money while you save money.

Just don't tell us about how awesome it was.

No one cares.

-Darth

The State of Bigotry in America 2009

Sure. We have a black President and we've come a long way from the 50s and 60s. Racism has calmed down. It's definitely still there but not to the point where it's a national concern. Bigotry, however, is alive and well. I would say thriving.

Before you ask, there is a difference between Racism and Bigotry. As much as you'd like to say you're not a bigot I want to ask you a few questions. Has any of the similar to the following ever happened to you?

• Have you ever been stuck in line at a store behind a Middle Eastern guy and his wife? Was he stern and difficult with the checkout lady, questioning every other item's price when it rang up, all the while his wife stood there obediently? Was he purchasing 20 2-liter bottles of Pepsi and 10 cases of Mountain Dew? Can you make bombs with this shit?

• How about being in a different neighborhood buying beer on Sunday, taking a break from football, with your buddy and in front of you in the checkout lane you spot MC Hammer. He's wearing sunglasses inside and about 10 different chains with a brand new fancy shirt and sneakers. You laugh as your buddy points out that he's paying with WIK vouchers. Whaa?

• How about traveling out to Jefferson County and getting gas and having to lock the car when you're out of it because everyone seems to be smoking meth?

• How surprised were you when you heard about the Fort Hood shootings only to find out that the shooter was named Nidal Malik Hasan? And, get this, a Muslim. Shocker!

• Don't you love waiting at a stop light and you avoid eye contact with the loser who's panhandling a couple cars ahead? Don't you think to yourself how hard you just worked to earn the money in your pocket?

• Are you aggravated every time you use an ATM and have to choose English or Spanish? And you live in the Midwest?

Is it me or do we have a long way to go?

I'm sure it's me.

-Darth

Scary Movie Time!!!

It's that time of year.
Halloween.
I get more excited for this holiday over any other. I get to dress up. Get drunk. Vomit and roll down a hill.
Anyway...
Since we're on the subject of Halloween let's review some of the scariest scenes in movies and television.
These aren't necessarily the scariest movies of all time (with exception to The Exorcist) but the scenes that really jump out at you and make your eyes get big when they come up in a conversation.
And away we go...

The Exorcist
There's a ton of scary shit going on here. It's too hard to pick one scene. If I had to pick I'd have to go with the initial Head-Turning-All-The-Way-Around Scene.
Very unsettling to a brain-washed Catholic School Kid.
Jesus Christ. I'm creeping out just posting this photo. (plus I managed to find the crucifix picture)

Next!








Poltergeist
The Clown Scene. I never had Coulrophobia before this movie. This would have to be the one that started it all. Clowns have always been scary but this flick made you shit your pants over them. This is before Stephen King invented Pennywise and way before Killer Clowns From Outer Space (classic!).
This classic scene unfolds as little Robbie is going to bed and notices that the clown doll at the end of his bed is missing (who get's their little boy this thing in the first place?). He looks around then goes to peek under the bed. Lifts the sheets. Whew. Nothing. He sits up. HOLY SHIT! It's sitting next to him.
Finally, people witness the evil of clowns on screen!





The Amityville Horror
The 70s had some scary friggin' movies. The Exorcist. The Omen. The Amityville Horror. Like The Exorcist this movie was based on actual events.
The scene I found scariest was when the daughter is talking to Margot Kidder (before she became a homeless troll) about her imaginary friend. Margot humors her then turns to the window and sees a set of glowing red eyes looking at her! Geez. I just about pissed my pants. Of course, I was 10 when I saw it. But still...







The Ring
The very beginning of the movie when the girls are talking about the video tape and the following phone call. It all starts happening then cut to the scene where they find their bodies in the closet and the one girl's head tilts to the side.
For me this was the scene that really made you jump. But, when they play the actual tape and you see all the creepy images and the girl coming out of the well...All of that is classic creepy shit.









The Shining
The Stanley Kubrick version from 1980 didn't follow the book exactly but there was some creepy stuff going on here. I had the opportunity to stay at the hotel King based this on, the Stanley Hotel in Estes Park, Colorado. I wandered around the halls at two in the morning just to creep myself out. It worked. If only I could have opened the doors to see weird shit like the picture to the left.
I mean really, WTF?









Signs
You would think that if I were to pick an M. Night Shyamalan film I would have chosen The Sixth Sense. But no. We are talking SCENES here folks. Without a doubt the Mexican Birthday Party footage scene takes the cake. (no pun intended)
You know what's coming. Aaaannny second now ... then BAM! Joaquin Phoenix's reaction is priceless. It perfectly mirrors what you're feeling. As that footage shows the alien it is one of the most perfect scenes in cinema timing.





And then there's these:

Any scene with the little doll from Trilogy of Terror.










These little bastards from The Wizard of Oz.










And of course, anything from HR Pufnstuf.











-Darth

Another Reason to Hate VH1

A big trend lately is Lists.

"Top 10 Greatest Movie Villains"

"Top 50 Greatest Albums of All Time"

and, of course, "VH1's Greatest One-Hit Wonders".

You've heard me go off on One-Hit Wonders before and how there were way more in the '90s than '80s.

This time I will be removing some bands from this classification or at least educating you on the shortcomings of the VH1 staff (who only know how to make reality TV these days).

Nothing Compares 2 U - Sinead O'Conner

Was this Sinead's only hit? Yes. It hit #1 in 1990 and overshadowed her career. Of course she also got a little nutty, Prince threw her out of his moving limo, she ripped up the Pope's picture on SNL, she became a priest. BUT she had some great music. The album this song came off of, I Do Not Want What I Haven't Got, had some great songs on it. Her debut album, The Lion and the Cobra, is one of the greatest alternative albums of the 1980s. Anyone who listened to college radio or kept up with post-punk-new-wave-whatever had this album. Some of great songs: Mandinka, I Want Your (Hands on Me) and Troy. Go listen to Troy right after you read this post. Really loud.

A-Ha - Take On Me

This was, without a doubt, one of the greatest videos of all time and it was a huge hit back in 1985. But they had two other songs that were realeased and had moderate airplay; "Hunting High & Low" and "The Sun Always Shines on TV." I remember the album being pretty decent. They remain the only memorable rock band that hailed from Norway.

Crash Test Dummies - Mmm, Mmm, Mmm

No one really heard a voice like this guy when they came out with this song. Somehow it worked.However, these guys put out some good music after that song. They were spotty, album-wise, but I can list a handful of great songs they did: Superman Song, Afternoons and Coffee Spoons and a cool cover of XTC's Ballad of Peter Pumpkinhead.

The Cardigans - Love Fool

They also had a few songs that had airplay; My Favorite Game and Erase/Rewind. But the coolest song they ever did was a cover of

The Talking Heads' Burning Down the House with Tom Jones. Sounds crazy but it is totally awesome. You can't knock Tom Jones. He took down Martians.

Big Country - In a Big Country

Big strike against them: their song contains their name. Double whammy.
Despite this song being so big, the album it came from was actually a really good record. The Crossing also contained Fields of Fire, which was a moderate hit.
They had another record, Peace in Our Time, which was an all around great album. Not a bad song on it.

Devo - Whip It

This is probably the biggest travesty on this retarded list. Devo is one the greatest pioneering bands ever. Those who write them off as a OHW shouldn't be able to give their opinion.
They had one of the greatest covers of all time. Satisfaction.
Let's not forget their classics Freedom of Choice, Beautiful World, Girl You Want and Jocko Homo.
Not bad for a bunch of guys from Akron, Ohio.

The Verve - Bittersweet Symphony

This was a very big hit. Do you know anyone who doesn't like this song?

The Rolling Stones maybe? The orchestra sample that runs through this song is lifted from their 1965 track "The Last Time." Long story short: The Stones sued them and Jagger and Richards are now credited as 100% songwriters. The Verve didn't make a cent on this song even though they wrote all the lyrics and accompanying music to the piece and negotiated to sample the music before they recorded. Jagger and Richards felt they over did it once they saw the song become a big hit. This is similar to what Queen did to Vanilla Ice for swiping "Under Pressure" for "Ice Ice Baby". The difference being he never got permission of any kind from the band.

They did have another hit on Urban Hymns; Luck Man. Great song. I just heard it while watching "Marley & Me." At least Jagger and Richards won't get any money from that.

The Waitresses - I Know What Boys Like

Not one of my favorites on this list but I have to point out that they have one of the most popular Christmas songs of the last 20-something years, Christmas Wrapping.
Admit it. You like that song.

Metal Stuff
I was never a big metal fan but I have a lot of friends who are and to be honest it's really grown on me over the last couple years. Nostalgia? I don't know.

Twisted Sister - We're Not Gonna Take It

They also had "I Wanna Rock". Both videos featured the Niedermeyer guy from Animal House. That alone makes them cool. Speaking of cool. Notice the one guy in the band who said "Fuck it. I'm not putting on the makeup. I'm just wearing shades and a goatee." Right on.

Ratt - Round & Round

Lay It Down was pretty big as well. They also had Back For More, You're In Love and Wanted Man.
I feel dirty for knowing these songs. Must Shower.

Quiet Riot - Cum On Feel The Noise

This was the first heavy metal song to make Billboards Top 5. The album, Metal Health, hit #1. I think I was one of the only kids to NOT have this thing on vinyl. The title track was a big hit as well.

I remember kids wearing that retarded mask from the album cover at halloween.

So there you have it. Yet another reason to hate VH1. They can shove all their lists up their asses. While they're at it they can also take their reality shows and every "I Love the..." bullshit show. The last good thing they did was Popup Video. At least they showed MUSIC videos with that. They just brought back "Behind The Music." But who wants to watch that when it covers Kanye West and Jay-Z. Those episodes should be retitled "Behind the Guys Who Talk Over Music."

-Darth Taco

Observations on Sports

I like sports. I do not love sports.
It's football season and I dig it.
I was thinking about how much I like football and then started to analyze how and why I feel the way I do about it.

How much do I know about football? I know it's not that complicated but every season I have to ask the dude I'm watching it with the same questions: Do they kick off at the half or start off where they left off? Why not go for the 2 point conversion? Why do they run the ball right through the middle only to get swatted down two yards in?

So then I came to a conclusion. I like sitting on my ass on the couch drinking beer, eating wings and hanging out doing nothing.

I can admit it. I'm sure there's plenty of guys out there who live and breathe football.
You've got the nuts who go overboard with the fantasy football to the point where they should be embarrassed about it. You've got the face painting cretins who show up at the games.

Granted, I love seeing those dudes.
They are 1 step under the LARPers (Live Action Role Players).

When it comes to actually watching football I'm pretty casual about it. I choose what teams I'm rooting for based on my own absurd criteria. i.e., what team is from a city I like to visit, who beat my team in the last Super Bowl, who did I lose money on when I randomly picked them in the office pool.
When the game is on I look for turnovers, hard hits and missed field goals.
Just like if I'm somewhere and Nascar is on I'm just watching it for the potential wrecks.

This Sunday when watching the noon games my buddy would switch over to Nascar. Wow. I could write an entire article on this "sport" alone. Granted, it is interesting to learn how the cars are made, what they do in the pit stops and the technology that goes into everything. Plus, it looks pretty good in HD. But, after 10 minutes I was bored. No wrecks.
Here's how it can be improved:
Too many laps. Cut down the laps and add obstacles; Ramps, Hot Wheel-style loops, weapons.
That would make it much more watchable.

I do appreciate how the drivers bad mouth each other after the race. I think they should put them in a room right after the finish and get that on film. That would be awesome.

I guess in the end I'm just a fair-weather fan who will lose interest in the football season at week 3 and not really give a shit. That is, until the Super Bowl, which I'll DVR and fast forward to the good stuff. You know, the commercials and the half-time show!

-Darth

TV. Don't You Just Love It?

Television is awful.
You know it is. But we keep watching it though.
It's full of total drivel.
There are a few exceptions; Lost, Rescue Me, 30 Rock and shows on HBO and Showtime.

Other than that our TVs are filled with bullshit like Catching Up with the Kardashians, Kourtney and Khloe Take Miami, For The Love of Ray J, Survivor Season 147 and all the countless reality dating shows.
Are people's lives so empty that they have to fill it with these (mostly filthy rich) people's boring exploits? Christ! WTF People?
Who gives a shit about Kim Kardashian (unless it's her porn) and Tori Spellings challenges (?) in life?
It makes me wish I could travel back in time to blow up the first The Real World house. They're the fuckers who started it all, aren't they?
MTV and VH1 don't even play anything music-related anymore. They're just full of reality crap.

OK. Before reality TV we were limited to sitcoms and 60 minute dramas and the occasional variety show. Before that we could only watch 5-6 channels. I'm not wishing for that shit to come back. I just want to line up everyone who loves Paris Hilton and all the Kardashians and have them shot. Of course, along with Paris Hilton and all the Kardashians.
Reality TV doesn't have writers. It has editors and angles.

TV's getting worse. Without a DVR you're fucked. We first bought the things to get through the commercials now we have them to get through the majority of the crap that's out there. Try to watch Hell's Kitchen without a DVR.

Even History Channel is going to Hell. Pawn Stars: a reality show about pawn shop owners. What does this have to do with history?
How about Biography Channel? Ghostly Encounters. Psychic Investigators. Urban Legends. What's worse than reality shit? Fake reality shit. Here's a listing of actual Biography episodes this week: Valerie Bertinelli, Melissa Gilbert, Mackenzie Phillips, Matt Damon, George Clooney, Daniel Craig, Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner (together), Vanilla Ice, Eminem, Justin Timberlake, Kurt Cobain. Shit. That's just through Thursday.
What insight can we gain through the lives of TV and music stars? Don't do drugs? That's it.
Everyone is too obsessed with celebrity.

Don't get me wrong. I love my TV, as awful as it is. I just try to be more selective.
There is no integrity in TV. Probably never was. Even the news is reduced to soundbites, overbearing opinions and celebrity updates.

Fuck it. I gotta go. Don't want to miss Survivor.

-Darth

80's -vs- 90's: One Hit Wonders

I just finished reading a blog about the One Hit Wonders of the 1980s.

The article went into detail about how the 1980s was a decade of OHWs (I'm lazy. I don't want to type it out every time).
I have to strongly disagree with this. I think the 90s had faaarrr more OHWs. They just weren't as memorable.
Sure, the 80s had In A Big Country, Rock Me Amadeus and 99 Luftballoons.
But the 90s had such hits as Flagpole Sitta, I Touch Myself, New Age Girl and Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm.
Out of those samplings from the 90s, can you name any of the artists?

Here's a few others:

Groove is in the Heart - Dee-Lite

Remember in the early ninety's how people were trying to bring back the sixties. You had annoying college students getting into the Grateful Dead because it went with smoking weed? Annoying.
This group made sure to let you know that retards come in all creeds and colors.

What is Love - Haddaway

OK. This song is known only as "those SNL head-bobbing guys" song.
Haddaway's most likely doesn't mind. He's probably getting a $12,000 royalty check every month for this fucking thing.
It IS nearly impossible to hear it with out doing the head thing though. Come on. Admit it.

What's Up - 4 Non Blondes

Still played today. No one could remember the groups name. Everyone knows the song.
Useless trivia: Lead singer Linda Perry went on to co-write with Pink on most her hits. None of which are as annoying as this song.

New Age Girl - Deadeye Dick

Total Tripe. Remember this crappy song? No? Lucky bastards! I could go into detail about how shitty it is and why but fuck it. Just listen to it. Try.

Macarena - Los Del Rio

Destined to become a wedding reception staple. Don't you feel stupid for buying this and putting it on the charts? You know who you are. You're the same assholes who put OMC and Lou Bega on the charts. Damn you.

Mambo No. 5 (A Little Bit of...) - Lou Bega

More wedding reception fodder. Christ. How horrid. Although I do have nice memories of my 8 year old singing and dancing to it at the time. What I wouldn't pay to have footage of that. The little bastard.

How Bizarre - OMC

Who the fuck was this guy and how did he get this on the radio? What does OMC stand for? I don't have time to Google this douche bag. Wiki just shows that OMC was a band from New Zealand. We should have nuked NZ in 1996 because of this. Lord of the Rings could have been filmed somewhere else.

Tubthumping - Chumbawamba

Wow. I have saved the "best" for last. I have to admit. I loved this song when it came out. I worked with a dude that did this bit where he would do this crazy dance when the song came on the radio. It lasted a week. He couldn't keep up. It was on the radio alot. It seemed like every thirty minutes. Most overplayed One Hit Wonder of the 90s.

Pretty much all of these "artists" are forgettable. Everyone remembers Big Country (song title helps), Falco and Nina.
How many of you remembered Harvey Danger, The Divinyls, Deadeye Dick and the Crash Test Dummies?
I thought so.
-Darth