American Idol. Let the Freak Show Begin!

American Idol Season Premiere

Well, it’s back.
It’s hard to believe that this show has been on so long and it is still entertaining. It just goes to show that America has an exorbitant amount of retards. We’ll never run out. Before this show you had no idea that these people existed. Well, maybe you had your suspicions. Now you realize they are on every corner. And they’re breeding!

This season’s premiere was pretty decent. It gave you exactly what you wanted. If that’s the kind of thing you’re looking for. I know plenty of people who hate this portion of the show and can’t wait for the real competition to begin. They seem to have a lack of tolerance for the weeding out of the retards. But, to me, that’s the best part! Where else can you get such a freakshow for free? Before American Idol you had to wait for the circus to come to town. This by far beats the bearded lady and sword swallower. Plus, you don’t have to leave your home and deal with the smell of hay and elephant shit.

My favorite type of auditioners are the criers. I love watching their dreams dashed right before my eyes. These are the delusional contestants who think they have talent and have been raised with a “princess” complex by their parents to believe that they are they are a shining, talented star and have everything in the world coming to them and they deserve it no matter what. A bit of OVER-positive re-enforcement. The judges proceed to feed them a hefty portion of reality for them to choke on then point them out, exit stage left. But guess who’s waiting for them on the other side of the double doors ready to perform the Heimlich Maneuver?

Yeah. Just once, I would like to see these enablers tell their kid, “Ya know, maybe community college IS the right direction for you.” This eighth season welcomes a new judge, Kara DioGuardi. One of the highlights of the evening was her getting into it with the “bikini girl,” Katrina Darrell. This chick comes onto the show in nothing but a string bikini. Then, when you expect her to totally blow it she actually sings halfway decent. Afterwords Kara states that she didn’t have the chops to sing the song and starts to sing it herself.

Verbal melee ensues. Winner: Bikini Girl. Bikini beats voice every time. Nice ass.

One of the other positive highlights of the evening was Emily Hughes. She was the chick that was covered in tattoos, piercings and had a great singing voice.
She looks like the love-child of Cyndi Lauper and the dude from Buckcherry.

The guy they saved until last was Scott MacIntyre, the blind dude.
He graduated high school at 14 and college at 19. I don’t even remember what he sang but I’m sure we’ll see more of him to remind us how worthless our sighted asses are. He can really fuck up at some point but stick around for pity’s sake. Of course, Ryan Seacrest tried to give him a high five afterwards. Way to go. Check it out on Champagne’s page.

For all of the great things about the show there is one thing that is unbearable. The length. 2 fucking hours. Christ. Could you imagine watching this shit without a Tivo? 2 hours condensed to 45 minutes.

Excellent

Darth