Let's Review (Roast) the new U2 Album

It's been a little over 4 years since U2 has released an album.

Unfortunately it's been 17 years since they've released a really good album.

Achtung Baby in 1991. Christ. As long as my son has been alive they've only put out mediocre tripe. Granted there were a few gems after Achtung Baby but you had to suffer through half of All That You Can't Leave Behind and How To Dismantle an Atomic Bomb to get to them. I've realized that the longer the album title the shittier the records going to be.  Notice that Unforgettable Fire, Joshua Tree and War are their best albums?

Anyway, on to the review.

Track 1:

The record starts out with the title track. It's OK. A little droning but OK. Gives you a little hope for the rest of the album.

Track 2: 

Magnificent - That's the title of the song. What hubris these guys developed. I have to admit that it is a good song. Not magnificent. Way to fucking lead us on guys. I won't take your word for it.

Track 3:

Moment of Surrender - Well this one is...zzzzzzz...Oh shit. I'm sorry, I fell asleep around the 4 minute mark.  Wait a minute. That's a little over halfway through the song. Christ. What's with having a 7 and a half minute song. Only Don McLean and Zeppelin can get away with that. This could have been good if it was under 4 minutes.  

Track 4:

Unknown Caller - For starters, 6 minutes long. Come on guys. Cut the fat. There's something weird going on with the group chorus. They should have had black chicks singing in the background. The band singing background chorus doesn't work this time. 

Track 5:

I'll Go Crazy If I Don't Go Crazy Tonight - Ok. Shorter song. Thanks guys. Great lyrics. Possible single? Who cares. At this point their selling albums solely on their name. Why do they need singles?

Track 6:

Get On Your Boots - Here's the first single. Not a bad first track to release. It exemplifies the album. It gets you excited for a new U2 album but misleads you into thinking there are more fast-paced tracks on the album. Sorry folks, this is it.

Track 7:

Stand Up Comedy - I can't really complain about this one. Fuck it. I will anyway. It's on this shitty album.

Track 8:

FEZ-Being Born - No. This isn't about the guy from That 70's Show. Might as well be. Makes no sense. Next!

Track 9:

White As Snow - Snow or Snore? Sleepytime music. 

Track 10:

Breathe - 5 minute song. Would be better at 3.5 minutes. What's with all these long tracks? I'm losing interest after that shitty Track 9.

Track 11:

Cedars Of Lebanon - Skip. If anyone ever wants to videotape their suicide by hanging this would be the song that plays as you do it. Cut to your feet swinging back and forth,  inches from the floor. Fade out.

Pretty brutal, huh? What's up with the great bands of the 80s fizzing out? Sure R.E.M. put out a great record last year but we had to suffer through Around The Sun, Up, and New Adventures in Hi-Fi. The Cure hasn't put out a good record since Wild Mood Swings. Depeche Mode, too long ago to tell.

Despite this albums weaknesses it does grow on you after several listens. But this is U2. Perhaps the greatest modern band around. We should be blown away.

Better luck next time guys. Good thing I didn't sink any money into it. Thanks piratebay!

And to the fans out there who like this you probably also listen to overrated, droning, no-hook music like Radiohead, Snow Patrol and Coldplay.

- Darth