It's been a while since we've done a movie review. This means either we haven't been to the movies much or we've had pretty good luck with seeing good movies. This all ends after seeing Clash of the Titans.
Let's start off with me pointing out that I thought the original from 1980 was a great film. It was perhaps the last movie to depend on stop-motion and was the last Ray Harryhausen film. For those of you who don't know who Ray Harryhausen is, he was responsible for such classics as Jason and the Argonauts, Mighty Joe Young, Mysterious Island and the Sinbad movies.
Now, does the original stand up to the test of time? Sure, it's outdated but it had some charm to it. This update doesn't. I'm sure some of you will disagree, but you know what? You're idiots. I'm sure you're going to say how great and realistic the special effects are but really, they're just more of that over-CG'd bullshit. But I digress.
PLOT
Let's talk plot. The plot in this new version barely resembles the original. The character names are the same but they are mixed throughout the film and have different relations to each other than the original. Of course, Perseus is here, Andromeda, Cassiopeia, Pegasus, Medusa. The Gods are present: Zeus, Poseidon, Hades. Wait. Hades? Hades wasn't in the first one. Is this a bad thing? Yeah. It's the shittiest plot point in the film.
CAST
Guess who plays Hades? Voldemort. I mean Ralph Fiennes. But in this movie he gets to have hair and a nose. Totally unnecessary character in the film. I guess the director had the same coupon that Speilberg had for Schindler's List and Ralph Fiennes just came with Liam Neeson.
Speaking of Mr. Neeson. He's too recognizable to play Zeus. The entire time I was thinking "Liam Neeson needs a paycheck." Did he not have life insurance on his wife?
(low. I know even for me.)
Sam Worthington. Why does everyone think this guy is the next big thing? He was OK in Avatar, but really? Did he make the movie? No. The blue people, monsters and 3D did.
In Clash of the Titans he barely masks his atrocious Australian accent. He even had the same haircut he had in Avatar and Terminator: Salvation. Maybe this guy awesome like everyone says but I don't see it. McLovin' could have done a better job.
The other actors were just as replaceable. Granted the chick playing Andromeda was attractive but they weren't anywhere near as hot as the original actress. Maybe I'm just partial to the original actress because she was the first naked woman I ever saw at the age of ten.
A new character they added is Io, played by Gemma Arterton. She acts as the guide and is somewhat obnoxious. Not by her presence or lines but by her voice. This has to be one of the worst overdubs in film history. You shouldn't be able to tell that an actor re-records lines in a studio after everything is shot. Obvious.
All the other actors suck. Not worth mentioning.
THE 3D
Don't waste your time. The 2 minute preview of Step It Up 3D had more impressive 3D effects than this entire film. You could tell that the 3D was an afterthought because it was just lame. I want my extra $4.00 back. The movie was supposed to come out over a month ago but they saw the success of Avatar and thought they would jump on the bandwagon. There were probably a few cool 3D shots but I can't remember them. I do remember that the front of Liam Neeson's head was in 3D. Terrible.
THE CREATURES
Ok. This movie has a better Kraken. Of course you know that already because it was way overexposed in every trailer and commercial. It was a major selling point.
Pegasus was black and lame. In the original Perseus had to capture the horse and break it. In this he just walks up to it and pets it in the woods, it flies off to return when Perseus needs a ride towards the end of the film. Shocker. Pegasus is basically the token black character in the film. Off set it wears those lame Kanye shades.
The Stygian witches are grosser of course. They look more alien than witchy.
Charon the Boatman was kinda cool but not as creepy as the original "skeleton in a robe."
Hey Hollywood, do you have to overdesign everything?
Calibos is a very minor character. Could have skipped him altogether. In the original he was a major player who you hated but pitied. In this version if you blinked you didn't even know where he came from.
The Giant Scorpions were pretty cool but when the fight scene was going on you could barely tell what was going on. This is another shitty trend that Hollywood has taken on. Fight scenes that happen really close up so that you can't really tell what's happening. Gladiator was one the first movies to do this. Crappy action. Zoom out!
Finally, there's Medusa. I'm torn on this one. The new version was pretty cool. But of course it was way obvious that she was CG. Did the special effects guys even try to make her look real? She was similar to the original but she only turned ugly when she gazed at you and turned you to stone. That's fine. The Medusa scene was probably the highlight of the movie. But again, the original scene when they confront her in her lair is way more intimidating.
Good news though, Bubo the Owl did manage to make an appearance in the 2010 remake. Here's the scene:
Our heroes are equipping themselves to go on their quest. As they begin to leave Perseus hears hooting and clicking coming from the a trunk. He opens it and pulls out the mechanical owl who is perched on a branch. Perseus asks the leader, "What's this?" The leader replies, "Nothing. Leave it." Perseus drops it back in the trunk and leaves.
Louis Letterier (the director) to Ray Harryhausen: "Fuck you Ray, it's my movie now."
Don't bother. It sucked.
- DARTH
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